As you may have gotten used to on Friday night opening segments, Arcarsenal blared over the PA, drawing the fans to their feet so they could jeer the World Television Champion, Nazir el-Fadal. But for the first time, Nazir didn’t come out to Arcarsenal; who did was Mirror Mirror, wearing a Burger King crown, a prom sash that said DRAMA QUEEN OF QCW, and the replica TV title that you can get at qcwshop.net. The crowd gave Mirror the most positive reaction of their career, even firing up a “Mirror Jihad” chant as Mirror strutted around the ring and held up the replica belt, four gold sparklers limply falling from the overhead Quarantron.
“Shoo, shoo, shoo! Rabble, rabble, rabble! You see, I paid my dues! Time after time! And yet, the disrespect I got from you rabble when I came out here makes me doubt whether or not I should break up with the only thing in the world that wants to be with me: the microphone!” The crowd laughed loudly as Mirror adjusted their fake crown, then got cut off by footage on the Quarantron.
Let Us Take You Back To Mayday Payday last spring, where WarGames was the main event and Real Becky Beatdown tapped out and had their head shaved, causing the Storybookers to lose.
Mirror’s body language shifted uncomfortably, and Nazir stomped out to the ring Not Pleased sans music with the real TV title in tow. “Last May I beat a QCW legend, a unanimous first-ballot Hall of Famer clean in the middle with a title on the line just like I did last week, and what should headline but a scared little girl giving up? I’d ask why, but we all know why–”
Mirror bristled at the mention of her previous gimmick. “Oh, we do know why,” Mirror retorted, “People actually wanted to see our match. And the TV title is perfect for you as well as the crowd, since it lets them know when it’s time to buy beer and nachos.”
The crowd oohed at this. Nazir gave a wry chuckle and shook his head. “You listen to me, you little carnival sideshow act. All of this – all of this - right down to the sycophant and your Look Inward horseshit - is because Real Becky Beatdown is dead and your win-loss record killed her.”
You almost couldn’t hear Starr mutter “Kill each other already” over the bigger oohing from the crowd. Mirror got in Naz’s face, and reared back when he said “Lay a hand on me now and you won’t get a shot at this later.”
Everyone reacted with shock at this, and Naz let it settle before continuing. “Your cute little one match winning streak is going to end tonight at my hands because quite frankly I’m tired of you. You call me the Champion of Chatter? Well, I actually win title matches, something you know nothing about. And you calling out somebody else for liking the microphone is like Kanye West saying somebody else likes attention too much. The ironic thing, of course, is like Kanye, you’re sliding into irrelevance thanks to your own special brew of dipshittery. I end it tonight. I shut you up once and for all. It’s the sort of teachable moment you can look back on next Saturday while you’re on the preshow and the REAL World’s Champion is doing Allah’s work.”
Nazir laid down his microphone and had gotten all the way to the apron when Mirror started cackling loudly. "You’re sick and tired of me? My dear Naz, EVERYONE is sick of you!”
Huge roar, which Mirror augmented by holding out the microphone towards the crowd. “EVERYONE is tired of watching your masturbatory mic work, EVERYONE is tired of your six moves of doom, and I’m sick of you holding the Television Championship.
I’m sick of the fans, stans, and haters, and especially you, telling me that I don’t know who I am. I know exactly who I am and why I wore the Becky mask for so long. And I will not suffer being accused of an identity crisis by someone who has an infinite number of nicknames for themselves. So tonight, I will give you one more epithet: Former TV Champion. And after that, I will ask but one favor of you…
Naz’s eyes bugged out and he kept repeating “Don’t you fucking dare”, but he couldn’t stop it…
“Make.
ME.
King.”
Mirror threw down the mic and bumped shoulders with Naz on their way out of the ring, readopting the cocky fake Naz strut towards the back while in the ring the champion looked over his shoulder, seethed, and clenched his fists. Lipreaders could make out him saying again "I end this tonight.”
(Cut to commercial)
Coming soon! QCW action figures with multiple points of articulation for MAXIMUM WORKRATE!!! Mayhem comes with his own QCW belt! Naz comes with a microphone! Mason “Razorblade” Savage comes with a QCW TV belt! And don’t miss the limited edition Arena Quarantina Playset with breakaway table and real announcer sounds (“DOWNVOTED!”)
QCW Action Figures! Get them before they're Future Endeavored!
TOTHEBACK~! where Enya Face walked into the Immortals' locker room.
Enya: I'm here with the Immortals' and I have good news! After beating Mayhem and Razorblade a couple of weeks ago and being unfairly kept out of the #1 contenders' match a few weeks ago, not only has Scott Holmes named you the new #1 contenders, but you get a shot at the QCW World Tag Team championships at Golden Rule! Are you excited?
Einherjar (raspy as usual): Enya, that is a foolish query. The Revenant and I are warriors - our blood sings at the thought of battle - but I admit I am saddened. Don't you agree, Revenant?
(Revenant spits on the floor, and fortunately Enya was there to speak most of the audience's thoughts into the mic.)
Enya: …but…but you guys are the #1 contenders! You earned your title shot…what are you sad about? Has something changed?
Einherjar: Now there is the intellect I've come to expect from Enya Face.
(She smiled. Maybe she shouldn't have. Einherjar continued –)
I am saddened because…well, last week Jupiter Jones…I was of the belief that he was a far superior competitor to Nazir, a man who cannot control his mouth rudder. Yet this alleged QCW legend lost cleanly? I watched that bout on several occasions and Jones should have had him. So either the word legend no longer means what it did, or he took some payoff from Nazir and sold his honor in so doing. Either way, Enya, the joy of this battle has been tainted. So Revenant and I will have to make the best of it.
Revenant shrugged as Einherjar chuckled, but Enya pressed on.
Enya: Commissioner Holmes did want to pass along word that he's noticed a tendency from you guys to ambush opponents, so you'll forfeit your title shot if you get physical with anyone tonight. What do you…?
Revenant's subsequent laugh was too hollow and foreboding to mean anything good, same with Einherjar's chuckle.
Einherjar: We have no intention of laying a finger on anyone tonight, especially two champions that we still maintain a great deal of respect for. We swear on the graves of…
Revenant stepped into the shot fully to say one thing.
"...US."
Einherjar turned and landed a front kick that sent a sparring dummy skidding across the locker room and out of the shot. The Immortals' loud cackling trailed behind them as they left the locker room, Enya running over to the dummy and turning it on its back before gulping noticeably and saying "Guy…you probably want to get a shot of this."
What was ‘this”? A picture of Jupiter Jones…disfigured…by missing his left eyebrow from where Einherjar's kick had landed. "JeeeeeeSUS. Uh…I mean, back to you guys!*
The announce was clearly a little rattled, but managed to quickly regain their composure; it was Friday night and QCW had gone too long without a fight, so away we went…
| • the Forbidden Book Club “the Cauldron of Chaos” Nancy Crowley & “the High Priestess” Diana Spare (w/Bonnie “Equinox” Agrippa & “the Goddess of Love” Shelly LaVey) & “the First Lady of Fitness” Karyn Tisch-Warren (w/Scott Warren-Tisch) d. QCW Women’s World Champion Summer Rose, “the Island Flower” Luz Cruz & the Red Queen • | Interesting dynamics on both sides making things almost a parejas incredibles situation; Luz & the Queen are queueing up for title shots, as is Tisch-Warren after last week’s time limit draw.. The Club is out to dominate the women’s division and has an opportunity to gain the new Women’s World Tag Team titles at Golden Rule. Tisch-Warren annoys anyone who’s not married or subscribed to her, so she had to tag herself in a couple of times during the match (and also tagged out immediately in one instance after Cruz tagged herself in). This factored into the ending, as KTW & Crowley were arguing on the apron while Spare was fighting Rose, drawing the ref’s attention. Out on the floor, Agrippa hit Rose with a Codebreaker and threw her into the ring, where Spare gave Rose an underhook powerbomb and pinned her to add her name into the possible title contenders hat. **
Of note, this dyad of the Club has usually seen in their winning efforts Spare set up Crowley with that underhook powerbomb before Crowley’s flying headbutt, and Crowley was clearly looking for the tag as the pinfall was happening. KTW tried to celebrate with the Club, who just glared at her, so she opted to stomp out Rose instead. The Club waited a few beats and then decided to join in, which brought Cruz & the Queen together to resume fighting. The Club got an advantage quickly when Agrippa & La Vey came in on the side of the black hats, which drew “Bollywood Diva” Sohla Patel from the back to come help try to even things up. It seemed like this would get things in the favor of the good women, but Spare ducked a lariat attempt that Cruz didn’t, and when Patel looked horrified it opened the door for her to get beat down by the Club and KTW (even SWT getting in a few kicks).
Lights out.
Two purple lights blinked.
Lights on.
Science Fiction Double Feature were standing in the ring when they did, and Doe & Monet wasted no time throwing shots at the Club. Referees and suits came in from the back as the crowd booed, Steve explaining for the home viewers that there was scheduled to be a match between Jane Doe and Bonnie Agrippa up next that hopefully would still be happening, then threw to commercial while they tried to get things sorted at the Arena.
On This Date In QCW History: construction was completed on the original Qualitorium way back in 1960.
(After their match, Spare and Crowley are methodically throwing their items in a bag, and you can sense the tension between them. Crowley forces a smile and breaks the silence)
CROWLEY: Can you believe they want us to film one of those SF vignettes right after a match?
SPARE: Right? And for such an obscure movie too. Who even remembers the Fog?
CROWLEY: Are you kidding? It’s one of John Carpenter’s best fi…
BOOMING VOICE OFF SCREEN: FOUR… MUST… PAY!
FOG fills the screen for a few beats and then dissipates. Once it dissipates, we see only Crowley.
BOOMING VOICE: THREE… MUST… PAY!
Crowley takes off running.
| • Bonnie “Equinox” Agrippa d. “Regular Human Being” Jane Doe • | We came back to this one already in progress, with all the seconds being kicked out and banned from ringside during the commercial break, then Agrippa sneaking up behind Doe and giving them an Electric Chair drop before the referee had enough of their bearings about them to ring the bell. Solid back and forth, Equinox’s power coming into play while Doe looked confused and curious at the assault. Jane hit a rolling lariat (As Expected) and snap Michinoku Driver called the Middle Lane Driver, but Agrippa countered Your Standard Finisher and hit an Attack of Uncertainty (free floating Codebreaker attack) to get the pin ahead of the tag title tournament finals next Saturday. ***
Let Us Take You Back To Last Week, where the Party Animal/Jim Jaspers rematch went down, Roy Fade figuring into the end by taking out Jaspers on the outside then beating down Animal and giving him the Decision.
| • “These Hands” Roy Fade d. Party Animal & “the Fury” Jim Jaspers in a triple threat match • | All of these men have been at each others throats for weeks, all wanting the TV championship (and in Fade’s case, regaining it). Match started off with Animal and Jaspers making a temporary alliance to put down Fade, but once he was out of the picture they renewed hostilities full throttle. Jaspers dominated most of the match and seemed to have Party beat after giving him another trip down to Fury Road, but Fade snuck up behind Jaspers and threw him into the post, then scavenged a pinfall on the still out of it Animal. **
Fade went over to the announce post-match, loudly crowing that if every title was going to get defended at the PPV, then he should get another shot at the TV title. Announce seemed to reluctantly agree with him on this point but also noted how crowded that list of challengers was, as well as wondering if Fade would get involved in the TV title match later…
TOTHEBACK~! Equinox greets La Vey and wishes her good luck.
La VEY: Thanks! Good Game!
(La Vey playfully slaps Equinox on the butt as she exits frame. Equinox gives La Vey a mock scowl, and then smiles coyly)
BOOMING VOICE: THREE… MUST… PAY!
(The Screen fills with Fog. Three mississippis of silence.)
BOOMING VOICE: TWO… MUST… PAY!
TOTHEBACK~! where Enya welcomed Los Luchadores Locos. There’s only one match that isn’t a title match at Golden Rule, and it’s just as big as a title match, it’s mask v. mask, a lucha de apuesta (Enya tried at least) with Crusazdo del Oro facing off against Gran Atomico. Atomico began to cut a promo in Spanish when behind him El Gato Negro went down like he was shot. He wasn’t shot, but he damn sure was the recipient of a chair shot from Crusazdo, who also took out El Perro de Diablo before he and Gran threw hands. Security got them separated, but not for long, as Crusazdo broke free and went back to beating on Atomico, culminating in Atomico getting thrown into a vending machine in the back. What’s Spanish for “Payback, motherfucker!” because I think that’s what Crusazdo was yelling as security finally got him under wraps and carried him away from the scene.
| • “the One Man Jihad” Nazir el-Fadal d. Mirror Mirror to retain the QCW WORLD TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP (8) • | Mirror actually pulled the old trick of hiding by the entryway and then jumped Nazir as he came out, both of them brawling down to ringside for a good minute before the match even began. Once it did it resembled a fight more than a match, Mirror throwing stiff forearm shots and after some early European uppercuts, Naz responded in kind with stiff forearms of his own. Mirror pressed Naz the entire match and threw an arsenal of familiar moves at him (the Bolt From Olympus and Starr’s Downvote, which had the latter apoplectic on commentary), but Nazir couldn’t, maybe wouldn’t, lose to Mirror. End came when Mirror went for the WMDDT (!) but Naz pushed them away and hit a sick MDK Elbow, then another. Mirror was clearly flailing around the ring and Naz had to grab them to hit the WMDDT that ended the match, forearm in the face on the pinfall. **
Nazir grabbed his title and held up eight fingers (you know why). Mirror rolled to the floor and grabbed the mic, striking a power pose best they could while they cut a promo.
"Congratulations, Mister Real World's Champion! I know when I've been beaten, so I'll just slink away now, tail between my legs. After that clinic you put on even Meltzer himself can recognize your talents. You should have all the momentum in the world going into your big match at Golden Rule, and there is no way you could possibly choke. Good luck, O Worldwide Leader." Nazir's reaction was to stomp to the back the moment Mirror started cutting their promo, putting the TV title over his shoulder (with a noticeable wince) and mocking Mirror's fake strut from the show's opening segment before disappearing behind the curtain.
After that, Steve revealed to the home crowd that not only have White Claw cut a deal for promotional considerations to present Golden Rule, but that whomever walks out of Golden Rule TV Champion will become a company spokesperson – and they will have earned it because in a fatal four way elimination match, Nazir will defend the gold against Roy Fade, Jim Jaspers and Party Animal. I’m sure between this and what just happened Nazir won’t have any sort of cross words for Scott Holmes.
Anywhoozle, TOTHEBACK~! Crowley is running throughout the backstage halls when she is stopped by a techie.
TECHIE: Hey lady, youse didn’t see where the fog machine went did youse?
CROWLEY: Not now, damn it!
(The fog rolls in, but it doesn’t engulf her. Out of the fog emerge Revenant and Einherjhar, The Immortals.)
REVENANT (in broken Spanish): Buenos Nachos, Bruja!
From the fog, Bettie Rokker and Val Curry throw Equinox, La Vey, and Spare to the floor. They sport band-aids, bruises, and Equinox has a shiner. The two women then proceed to grab Crowley.
EINHERJAR: Silly Volva, you and your coven play with forces you barely understand! I was old in these ways before you were telling ghost stories at slumber parties. But since we aren’t supposed to lay hands on anyone before our match next week, I will let our honored friends teach you the ways of ritual sacrifice...
BETTIE ROKKER (in the BOOMING VOICE): ONE MUST PAY!
(The Immortals Exit Frame. Rokker & Curry drag a screaming Crowley into the fog as it fills the frame. Over the fogged-over frame emerges a caption in a ghostly font)
QCW GOLDEN RULE
NEXT SATURDAY
3/12/22, SAN FRANCISCO
TOTHEBACK~! where Mirror Mirror was facedown in the backstage area right before you get to the Sweet Spot behind the curtain where the wrestlers come out. Suits flooded the scene, shortly followed by the medical staff, and "Tiki God" Al Buffett, despite some recent estrangement on their parts. The announce had no idea of what to make of this, but said that as soon as they got an update, everyone watching at home would, too.
| • “the Electric Android” Cindy Monet d. “The Goddess of Love” Shelly La Vey • | La Vey spent more time looking over her shoulder for the fog (which can’t wrestle…well, probably) instead of in front of her at Monet (who can). Monet was already livid between the Immortals promo and Jane getting screwed over a little bit in her match earlier against La Vey’s partner, and fought without her usual sense of art before battle. La Vey did land some shots and got a nearfall, but this was dominated by Monet who dished out two Tightropes to get the W here. ** Once again: LaVey & Agrippa from the FBC v. Science Fiction Double Feature next Saturday night at Golden Rule, winners become the inaugural Women’s World Tag Team champs. Monet posed on the buckles and Wanted The Belts before heading to the back, at which point the arena filled with fog. When it was gone, so was La Vey.
To the back, where Al was climbing into an ambulance that Mirror Mirror was being stretchered into. A dark cackle became more prevalent in the background as Nazir walked by and went "That's almost a shame." through swollen lips. Al turned red and clearly wanted to go after Naz, but told the driver to get Mirror somewhere safe ASAP.
Steve noted that there wouldn’t be a Ruckus next week with the PPV next Saturday, but that Ruckus would be back on the 18th with more hard-hitting action: a defense of the TV title, and the Consolation Cup match out of the Women’s World Tag Team title tournament with the Angel Sisters going up against Hell On Wheels.
And speaking of Golden Rule – the most loaded card in QCW history for QCW’s first trip out to the West Coast! Lucha de Apuesta! The Immortals v. College Park Family for the tag titles! The Forbidden Book Club against Science Fiction Double Feature to crown inaugural Women’s World Tag Team champs! A fatal four way elimination match where Naz has to overcome the Fury, These Hands and Party Animal if he wants to walk out World TV Champ! The six pack challenge for the Women’s World Title! Can Summer overcome not only allies like Luz Cruz & uneasy ones like the Red Queen but rivals like Lolo Vuitton, Nancy Crowley & Karyn Tisch-Warren to maintain the longest hold on QCW gold there currently is? And it’s been building for months, but it’s finally here: Razorblade. Mayhem. Twelve pounds of gold. Mayhem’s found a way to hang onto the gold for months, but is he finally up against the man he just can’t beat? Mas Histeria will take on Mirror Mirror (if they're able) & Tiki God on the preshow, as well as Sohla Patel going up against Bettie Rokker – the evening should be golden and it ought to rule, so make sure to contact FITE to catch QCW on PPV!
Duck announced the double main event for the evening - the Pick Your Poison matches! He went over the rules for those in attendance, then “Wish” came on over the PA to a loud, mixed reaction. Mayhem came out, QCW World Championship in tow, and took the mic from Duck, looking further unsettled (almost offended) by the booers out there. Mayhem said while he got screwed over last week, at least he got this match. So let’s see if Razorblade – cue “Unscripted Violence” and the pop of the night as the #1 contender came out for his PYP match, small smirk creeping over his face as he entered the ring. Mayhem noted that before he was so rudely interrupted, he was going to invite Mason to see if he felt like cheating again this week, since it was probably the only way he’d beat this man…
And out strolled “the French Assassin” Serge Batroc, the rest of the International Workrate Consortium behind him.
| • Mason “Razorblade” Savage d. Serge Batroc (w/Anton “Teknik” Stahl & “King Carny” Richard Windsor) in a Pick Your Poison match • | Serge threw several European uppercuts early and seemed to have Savage rocked back on his heels, only to be snatched up by Razorblade after coming off the ropes and going around the world on a powerslam ride. From there it was Serge playing catchup and mostly failing, Razorblade chants filling the arena as the Holy Emperor of Hardcore went on the attack. Since he was getting outmuscled out of holds, Serge tried to brawl. Against Razorblade. You can guess how that went, and it eventually ended with the Soul Crusher, Razorblade staring down Mayhem while the three count was made. **
A few things started happening at once: Razor slid out as he saw the IWC come in, Anton upbraiding Serge while Richard rolled his eyes behind them. Serge looked upset but took the lashing as all three men bickered their way to the back, Mayhem in the ring having a long discussion with the referee after what happened to him last week. Razorblade grabbed the mic, gave a short bark of a laugh, and said “Good luck…buddy.”
Cue Godzilla and Mayhem turning a whiter shade of pale, since that’s the entrance music of QCW’s resident land monster…
| • Toddzilla d. QCW World Heavyweight Champion Mayhem in a non-title Pick Your Poison match • | On the announce, Starr was quick to point out that Razorblade may have outsmarted Mayhem by making him run up against a brick wall like Toddzilla instead of a technical master like Serge. In case you weren’t already worried about WWIII being imminent, Starr turned out to be absolutely correct as Toddzilla went through Mayhem like a bag of Doritos while Razorblade sat at the commentary desk with his feet up. He didn’t actually provide any commentary, just watched Mayhem get thrown around the ring a few times and laughed. End of the match came when Toddzilla did some reps with Mayhem in a gorilla press, then threw him from the ring. He may have been aiming for Razorblade and just come up short, as Mayhem went bouncing off of the announce table and the whiplash effect ragdolled him to the floor. At eight, Mayhem was on his knees, using the table to steady himself; at nine, he was glaring at Toddzilla in the ring…but didn’t make a move towards it and took the countout loss. **
Mayhem limped over past the desk to grab the World Title, only to be cut off by Razorblade. They began to have words when Toddzilla came back into the picture, not done beating on Mayhem. (I mean, it’s entirely possible he doesn’t understand what a countout is.) Razorblade spun Toddzilla around and got in his face, then Toddzilla dropped him with a headbutt. He then cleared the announce table and set Mayhem up to powerbomb him through it, when a monitor went upside his head and slowed his thought process. Razorblade tossed it aside as Toddzilla went down, and went over to Mayhem and proffered his hand, but the Champ swatted it away to boos. He then started to get in Razor’s face, pointing at Savage with the same hand he was holding the World Title in. Razorblade got increasingly nonplussed as Mayhem kept berating him, then suddenly reached out and snatched the World Title out of Mayhem’s hand. Mayhem grabbed back at it, and they had a tug of war before they realized Toddzilla was starting to rumble upwards. They exchanged a look, then focused on him. When Toddzilla got to a knee, both Mayhem and Razorblade surged forward to bury the World Title in his skull, laying him out to a huge pop from the audience. They watched him fall to the floor then started throwing hands themselves, Mayhem surprising everyone when he uncorked a heart punch (!) that took down Razorblade. Mayhem grabbed the World Title and went to some turnbuckles to put it in the air, loudly proclaiming that he was the champion and that the fans needed to respect their champion; who didn’t was Razorblade, who snuck up behind Mayhem and drilled him with the Soul Crusher, the World Title bouncing off the canvas a bit away from them after they landed to the biggest pop of the night. He looked at the belt, then at Mayhem, then back at the belt – he started to reach down to grab it before the crowd’s loud negative reaction seemed to take that option off the table. He started looking over at Mayhem, then let an evil grin break out over his face before he pinned Mayhem, crowd making the three count. Razorblade took a small bow and made a familiar gesture around his waist while the crowd roared and Steve went nuts on commentary — no one’s gotten up from the Soul Crusher yet, and if that happens next Saturday…well, you can guess.
Funny final commercial/movie parody for the go-home show, as the Commissioner played Mrs. Doubtfire until some “lawyers” came by and shut down the shoot; the usual credits box played after this, followed a final commercial with Golden Rule hype. Catch you next Saturday out on the coast!
