The production values had apparently taken a nose dive to open the show, as we saw some shaky handheld footage of a very small ring in a very small place. But it turned out it was a small town outside of Cincinnati and this was footage from April 2, 2001 of the first show of what was then the Crush Wrestling Enterprise, as tonight Crush Wrestling is absorbed into QCW.
As Eve & Gwen Stefani’s “Let Me Blow Ya Mind” played in the background, some of Crush Wrestling’s hits played out: “Miss U.S.A.” Kendra Bryant winning a battle royale to become inaugural champion, her epic back and forths with “Dixie Queen” LaShondra Heyworth as they traded the belt multiple times in the first two years, starting to put women’s wrestling on the map in the Midwest - Heyworth turning heel (again) on Bryant after they had reconciled to regain the Crush Championship - the imposing Monstra, who’s surprising agility for a larger athlete made her the longest reigning champion at a whopping 773-day title reign - the appreciative crowd throwing streamers in the ring for the likes of Alexis LaRee, Sara del Rey and Amazing Kong - the tribute show for Bryant & Heyworth after their passing in a plane crash, Monstra making her only out of gimmick appearance in her career, weeping on the ramp and laying down the championship - rabid Crush fans - the arena lights blinking a total of twenty times for the last official Crush show two weekends ago in the promotion’s signature alternating orange and yellow - the series of Crush logos over the years - now cutting to signature action from the past year of Crush action from the athletes QCW is adding that you’ll see in the main event:
- “Regular Human Earthling” Jane Doe, a woman who would be totally nondescript if not for her different colored eyes (one green, one blue), unflappability, preternatural agility, and the ability to freak her opponents out on the regular
- “Bollywood Diva” Sohla Patel, who hasn’t met the high place yet she won’t jump off of
- “Shieldmaiden” Val Curry, who takes out her understandable frustration over being perpetually in love with Jaime Lannister’s sorry ass out on her opponents (not exactly, buuuut real close)
- Sara & Erica, the Angel Sisters, who ArRE herE tO Play SiLLly1111111 and I could not turn the knob fast enough to the right fucking creepy doll twins *shudder*
- Jammerhead Shark! Block Solid! The tag team hot tub time machine that is Hell On Wheels, two chicks so bodasciously badass they got kicked out of Roller Derby for fighting too much; they make a lateral move here
- “The Island Flower” Luz Cruz, who’s Asai moonsault has made her a fan favorite around the world and especially her native Puerto Rico, one of the last two women to hold the Crush Championship in a Bryant/Heyworthesque rivalry with
- “The First Lady of Fitness” Karyn Tisch-Wheeler: The woman of a thousand hustles and backbreakers finally got on the roll of her career starting a couple of years ago when she married - not kidding - the now Scott Wheeler-Tisch. He’s 60% smile, 40% ecotoplasm, and 143% smarm. The designer reading glasses he wears to the ring that he doesn’t need cost more than your rent. Her big new thing is the K2 Training Circuit replete with serums and lotions to keep your skin younger than you are, her Instagram is full of her doing her thrice a week squat workouts and who’s OnlyFans is…from what I’ve heard…worth the subscription fee. And LOSES IT when you call her Karen. How many times does she have to say it: the Y serves as the ACCent!
Let’s Crush Groove and blow ya mind one more time.
Orange and yellow pyro for twice as long as usual, Arena Quarantina awash in a sea of those colors and replica Crush Cloths being waved around, fans chanting “Thank You Crush”; a few fans already teary-eyed but gamely cheering through it as Steve Vandeblanche welcomes us to a very special Ruckus, but reminds us that even though Crush lays in rest that the fighting spirit it exemplified lives on, and QCW knows a bit about fighting in their own right…
| • Dorothy Rubyslipper & Lolo Vuitton d. Mirror Mirror & QCW Women's Champion Summer Rose • | Stakes for this one is that it’s a twinning of two matches tomorrow night: Mirror/Rubyslipper and Vuitton going for Rose’s title. ORDER NOW!
Simply put, Mirror hung Rose out to dry here, but in a weird way that ended up influencing the finish: Mirror looked disinterested the entire time, and kept walking up and down the steps in the background while Rose ate the offense from one and then the other, and that was before the tandem offense. So when an exhausted Rose tagged in, you can imagine everyone’s shock when Mirror immediately tagged back out and rolled under the ring. They didn’t reappear during the match, and Rose fell victim to them both pulling off their finisher on her in the span of the last five second tag window (a nasty short range Yakuza kick had Rose in position for the Curb Stomp Dorothy ended the match with off a blind tag) ** Then everybody got up in everybody’s business.
Lolo looked like she was going to throw down with Dorothy for the sneak pin when Wendy Neverland ran down to defend her stablemate, a tense situation interrupted by Mirror, who began by sarcastically saying bravo but pity the fairytale princess couldn’t have beaten her at Devil’s Night when it counted. Mirror skulked away from the ring as refs ran down the ramp keeping everyone away from everyone else inside & outside of the ring, which meant that Mirror had full range on a live mic that a) heard Dorothy yell “I’m not a peasant, I’m a QUEEN!” as they headed up the ramp and said the types of things that certainly aren’t going to get them suspended or fined or fired nope indeedy:
Let them wait. If I have to wait for them to recognize that gender is a spectrum and not binary, then they can wait for me to step into their condescending little dollhouse. mister Holmes don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing, buying Crush - the most #notallmen in the wrestling world, brimming with Instagirls, beautiful Latina athletes, big titty goth girls? I don’t know what made you want to condescend to offer me a slot playing in a real life version of your browser history but I’d rather not, thanks.
What’s wrong, Scott? What so unnerves you about a wrestler when they don’t subscribe to the gender divide inherent in the sport? I mean, back when they would seek validation for themself by posing in thongs that sure seemed to get that like button smashed. That’s not who they are now, and if there is punishment to be made because they don’t play the game and because certain Commissioners get hot even when they’re dressed more like Ken than Barbie? Do you think you can keep me confined to the women’s division forever like one of your little crushes –
-and there’s a dead mic, and then a
HAVING TECHINCAL DIFFICULTIES
PLEASE STAND BY
Steve Vandeblache eventually came back on the air (I think it was a minute, maybe two), and once he confirmed he was back on the air apologized for the dropped signal and began to go over some of the big matches we’ll see at Yule Be Sorry; lest we forget, the undefeated Vuitton goes against Rose for the Women’s Championship, Can Jupiter Jones find his signature championship magic and lead the College Park Family back to the QCW Tag Team Championships? Is Razorblade’s time to take the Twelve Pounds of Gold now? Will Nazir regain the championship he feels he was robbed of? If Mayhem can’t count on Razorblade’s help in a triple threat match for the QCW World Title, can he find a way to walk out of Chicago with the gold? Tiki God takes on These Hands, Toddzilla vs. Party Animal, and an hour long preshow tomorrow night with a couple more matches as a holiday gift for the QCW fan. Catch us at 8 Pacific on Pay-Per-View!
| • Ascent to the Throne Battle Royale • | As it turned out, Wendy Neverland was already in the ring, and after she steadily started amping up the crowd to fill up some of the dead air the 20-woman battle royale began having introductions (Justine slotted into the position Mirror Mirror gave up) where the final two women standing have a #1 contendership match on next week's Ruckus. Keep in mind there’s a bunch of pre-existing rivalries at play in this last hurrah.
*-*-* the battle royale began with everyone from Crush on one side of the ring and QCW on the other, but when the bell rang everyone stuck to their side – all the old rivalries rekindled *-*-*
*-*-* that ended when the Shieldmaiden broke free of the Angel Twins and double clotheslined both Neverland and Winterland, thus starting a chain of QCW stalwarts facing off against the Crush emigres *-*-*
*-*-* @smashleysmithofficial & Justine formed a couple of brief alliances, most notably in fighting off the Angel Sisters*-*-*
*-*-* After being surrounded by the Forbidden Book Club, Block Solid and Hammerhead Shark began fighting and eliminated each other*-*-*
*-*-* After being surrounded by the FBC, Winter & Spring Green began to fight each other until Winter seemingly snapped out of it, and snapped Green out of it. They eliminated the FBC a few minutes later with help from Curry.*-*-*
*-*-*Curry then eliminated Green and as a consequence squared off with Wonderland while late addition Justine used the fight to her advantage and turfed Winter from behind before Curry eliminated Justine*-*-*
*-*-*the field briefly banded together to eliminate Curry*-*-*
*-*-* Jane Doe and Cindy Monet had a long apron sequence where they mirrored the other, then afterwards briefly worked together to eliminate Sohla Patel before Monet eliminated Doe *-*-*
*-*-*the final four were Cruz, Monet, Neverland, and Tisch-Warren *-*-*
*-*-*Monet got swatted out of the air by Neverland and tossed*-*-*
*-*-*a few moments after that, Tisch-Warren went after Cruz (who ducked) but connected with Neverland, Cruz trying to throw them both over but only succeeding in helping KTW eliminate Wonderland, the final Crush champions unwittingly securing the W for their now former fed *-*-*
Your winners, “the Island Flower” Luz Cruz & “the First Lady of Fitness” Karyn Tisch-Warren.
They’ll face off next week in a #1 contenders match, but why wait when we hate each other now? Officials and suits had to come in and separate the long time rivals, both alternating between yelling at the other and making the gesture of a belt around their waist. But that’s next Friday, and Yule Be Sorry is tomorrow night. Be there. Aloha.
Next: Yule Be Sorry PPV
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