Last Week On Ruckus: Party Animal & “the Fury” Jim Jaspers couldn’t get along in their tag match, culminating in them brawling and Animal spearing Jaspers’ through Scott Holmes’ office window • Said Commissioner demanded Mayhem show up tonight to either forfeit or defend the World Championship • Nazir successfully defended the World TV title against Benjamin Valentino then got trucked by the returning Mason “Razorblade” Savage, who’ll face Naz for the TV title tonight on a special two-hour episode dubbed All’s Fair with limited commercial interruptions…
HOUR ONE
After an unusually long pyro sequence that ended mostly in red, pink and white, Steve & S. welcomed us to the biggest Ruckus so far in QCW history - both men’s titles up for grabs with still no word from Mayhem, a #1 contendership match for the Men’s World Tag Team championships, an eight-woman tag featuring all the semifinal teams in the Women’s World Tag Team championship tournament, and if that weren’t enough a submissions only match called Beg For Mercy where the imposing Dom DeSade goes up against perpetual pot-stirrer Mirror Mirror.
We throw to Enya Face backstage with her mic in one hand and a champagne flute in the other. We pull back to Scott Holmes trashed office, but it looks like someone hung streamers in red, pink and white, as well as a huge banner that says “FOR INTERGALACTIC LOVERS ONLY” over where the window is certainly still not broken. Enya is standing next to a bandaged up Benjamin Valentino, wearing a bowtie without a shirt and a warm smile.
“Enya, you know that Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday, so the Intergalactic Lover is gonna go all out this year. Welcome to LOVETOWN, baby girl!”
In the corner, we see Party Animal, “Tiki God” Al Buffett, and Todzilla pounding White Claws. Cindy Monet is teaching her new tag team partner Jane Doe* how to dance, and it is going as well as you can expect.
We also see QCW’s hottest (and coldest) new tag team, The Immortals, as they are talking to Bettie Rokker and Val Curry, known collectively as The Sound of Thunder. Einherjar is gesticulating wildly, Revenant is nodding sagely, Bettie is coyly laughing, and the Shieldmaiden is hanging on every word. Who knew that an undead Norse soldier and a Chooser of the Slain would have so much in common?
Einherjar and Revenant excuse themselves for a moment when they see the QCW tag team champions, Jupiter Jones and Lucius Patton popping Hershey’s Kisses and looking cool as hell.
EINHERJAR: It is noble of you to invite the enemy to your festivities. I thank you.
JUPITER (waves it off): Enemy? (clicks tongues) You’re a challenge, son! We know what y’all can do in that ring. That’s why we wanted you in the contender’s match.
PATTON (puffs chest out): Once y’all whup the other team’s asses, then WE get to square up.
JUPITER: And when we handle business and beat your ass, then there will be no question that we’re in the GOAT conversation!
REVENANT: If.
PATTON: Excuse me?
REVENANT: If you win, not when.
JUPITER: My bad. IF we beat you, then we’re the GOAT.
(Revenant nods)
EINHERJAR: No offense taken. You have every reason to be confident. Fat Stacks, is it? You held many tag team titles with the host of this fine party. And Mr. Jones, you have been a champion both in QCW and in Japan, so I have unlimited respect for you and your skills.
JUPITER: Oh word? I appreciate you.
EINHERJAR: It will make our inevitable victory much more satisfying to defeat those at the top of our game. We too, shall be GOATs.
(Patton cocks his head)
JUPITER: Whatever, man. We’re heading out. Try the Chex Mix.
(EXIT the Champions, stage left. Revenant grabs a handful of Chex Mix)
REVENANT: Good dudes. And good Chex Mix.
Let Us Take You Back To Two Weeks Ago, where the revamped International Workrate Consortium cheated to beat the Wards, then injured Jason post-match while making Rich watch. It was his night for revenge, which he started enacting by not coming out to his entrance music and instead came out through the crowd with a chair to lay out Windsor and Batroc before the bell could even ring. Stahl was obviously wrestling distracted as a result, frequently not pressing his advantages to look over at where the medical staff were checking on his stablemates. As he was recovering, Serge yelled at Anton to refocus on the match. He did, going for Matter of Time, but Ward rolled through and hit the Wonder Cutter for the clean win. **
| • “the Wonderful” Rich Ward d. Anton “Teknik” Stahl (w/Serge Batroc & “King Carny” Richard Windsor • | He got out of dodge before the IWC could come after him, then told the camera if there was anything left of Naz or Razorblade after their match, he’d be waiting next week to make the World TV title – well, you can guess. Back in the ring, Serge dressed down Anton, then slapped him a couple of times; when Windsor laughed and said something smartass about it, Serge slapped him a couple of times as well and left steps ahead of them obviously furious.
This Week In QCW History: the Intergalactic Lovers won the QCW Tag Titles for the first time back in 2016.
Appropriately enough, back to Lovetown.
The Immortals and the Sound of Thunder are laughing and talking together when “The High Priestess” Diana Spare enters stage left. Curry & Rokker give her a death stare, but Revenant shakes his head.
EINHERJAR: Can I help you?
SPARE: Oh, I hate to bother you, but we could use your help. We need to get a few kegs out of the storage room down the hall, and you two are clearly the strongest people here. I mean, other than Tiki, but he’s busy.
(swish pan to Tiki God looking like he’s about to vomit; Revenant shrugs)
REVENANT: Shouldn’t take long.
EINHERJAR: We will return.
(Spare points out a storage room)
SPARE: They’re in there.
(the two enter the room and look around)
REVENANT: I don’t see any…
(“The Cauldron of Chaos” Nancy Crowley appears behind the door, slams it shut, and locks behind them)
CROWLEY (performatively): DIANA! I have been looking all over for you! The match is about to start! Let’s bounce!
SPARE: Coming, mother!
(From the other side of the door, we hear the Immortals pounding; Guy with a rolling cart full of kegs enters)
BEER GUY: Where do you want me to put these kegs?
SPARE: Just leave them in front of that door.
(Beer Guy sets keg cart in front of door)
Let Us Take You Back To Last Week, where a still injured Luz Cruz was able to pull out a W over Diana Crowley, leading to a Club beatdown and then Hell On Wheels & Sohla Patel making the save, ending by Patel punching out Spare with brass knucks. The Crush emigres were happy to take the fight to the Club, and while they never were dominant over the Club they definitely had them on their heels at more points than we’ve seen during any other Ruckus. Unfortunately for the longtime friends, it didn’t translate to a victory; the end came when Cruz went for her signature Orihara moonsault to save Patel from a 2 on 1 on the floor when Spare pulled Patel into its path - once Crowley threw Cruz into the barricade, the Club duo finished off the Bollywood Diva with their underhook powerbomb/diving headbutt combo platter. Wouldn’t mind seeing a rematch of this one. ***
| • The Forbidden Book Club (Crowley/Spare w/Agrippa & LaVey) d. “The Island Flower” Luz Cruz & “Bollywood Diva” Sohla Patel • |
The Club stood on the buckles and cackled while Cruz seethed on the floor holding the back of her neck and Patel was laid out on the mat underneath them. The four blinking red lights on - lights off - normal lights back on - no Club.
TOTHEBACK~! where Enya Face was in the parking lot, looking for a sign of Mayhem, who still had yet to arrive at the arena. Back to the ring.
This was originally scheduled to be a fatal four-way match, but Spare’s antics earlier in the show kept the undead from being involved and the match was changed to a triple threat. Histeria & the Caballeros have a long history of lucha libre wars; the Hard Way are the former tag champs getting back to their roots, and given last week’s hype video might have been the favorites going in with the Immortals out of the picture. But Más Histeria are also former champs who dropped to the College Park Family, and they used their extra man on the outside as well as some perfectly timed blind tagging to drop Verde and then fight off the Hard Way to get a shot at the Family next week with the World Tag Team championships up for grabs. ** ½
| • Más Histeria d. Los Caballeros & the Hard Way in a triple threat #1 contenders tag title match • |
Both Jones & Patton came out on the ramp post-match to offer up light applause and proudly hold up their belts; Más Histeria were doing some smacktalk in Spanish and El Perro Loco pointed at them, then held up two fingers and made the motion of a belt around his waist.
TOTHEBACK~!, where thanks to bolt cutters, a forklift and the Sound of Thunder, the Immortals were freed from the locker room about 20 minutes too late for them to earn a title shot. Methinks the Club didn’t think this one all the way out. The Immortals responded by shoving various people out of their way, most notably Mason "Razorblade" Savage, who had to be restrained from going after them by about half a dozen security guards.
| • Mirror Mirror d. Dom DeSade in a Beg For Mercy match • | Let’s sum up a year & a half in a paragraph: Mirror Mirror’s former tag partner @smashleysmithofficial has joined the Polycule & Mirror thinks @ can do better. Dom & @ got hired by Nazir a couple weeks ago to duff up Mirror, then last week Mirror whispered into the ear of Dom’s primary Justine about the rest of the Polycule Netflix & Chilling without her. Justifiably this made Justine un-Chill & she said she was “taking a break” from Dom. So with bitter rivals with submission finishers wanting to get at each other, this match was made online earlier in the week and is on free TV instead of OnlyFans for $10.99 (what’s OnlyFans?) Both the seconds were banned from ringside to make this a fair fight.
Starr grumbled through the whole thing, hating everyone involved, but I was pleasantly surprised. Dom showed off some previously unseen jujitsu and worked a triangle choke variation he calls Breathplay. Mirror left their usual theatrics at the door and met him for a fight in kind. There was some comedy, but Dom spanking Mirror just pissed them off; fighting with renewed furor, Mirror saw Dom get trapped in a hangman in the ropes, then unleashed some Kobashiesque machine gun chops across Dom’s big back for almost half a minute straight while gleefully yelling “Thank you, sir! May I have another?” Dom tried to recover after that and even looked like he was going to be able to get the Safeword Torture Rack on Mirror, but Mirror slipped out into Look Inward. Dom powered out of it after a bit, Mirror chop blocked him then reapplied it. Dom tried to get to the ropes, but Mirror released the hold and double stomped his battered back before a third and final Look Inward sealed the deal. *** ½ and could’ve gone another 5 minutes, which is something I never thought I’d be saying about a Dom match.
Postmatch, Mirror shoved Dom out of the ring with their foot. Duck instinctively offered Mirror the mic, but they waved it off. Instead, they just laughed maniacally at Dom as he shambled to the back. That laughter was interrupted by the opening notes of “Arcarsenal” as Naz and his surgically-attached mic made his way onto the ramp, his title defense up next in one of those wrestling coincidences that make the world go round. He made a shoo!ing motion to Dom as the loser went through the curtain.
“Another dominant victory for You Got Rorschach At Home. Six weeks into the new year and you’re already in reruns, Mirror? ”
STARR: Lord, spare me. Could the roof cave in and stop me from having to listen to these two squawk at each other?
“You can run every one of these red shirts out of QCW until their seven years of bad luck is over, but it won’t change a thing. You’ll always be a busted former Instagram thirst trap who runs from actual competition like Starr does from… well, from you, I will give you that. Still, you will NEVER - and let me reiterate this, rabble - NEV-ER, get a hold of this championship. I am the Triple Crown Jewel of QCW, the Once and Future King; you are nothing more than its court jester. Now go back to your safe space, take your boyfriend with the eating disorder with you, and go watch Mukbang videos together or whatever the hell it is the Midcard Express does for amusement. Most importantly, and I cannot stress this enough, shoo.”
As officials blocked both wrestlers from going after one another, we cut to one of our limited commercials.
We are treated to a montage of The First Lady of Fitness, Karyn Tisch-Warren engaging in a variety of physical activities: Peloton, Crossfit, jogging, tai chi, and maybe one or two shots of her in the ring.
KARYN (VO): Are you ready for summer? Are you ready to wow them on the beach, in the club, and…
Cut to KTW winking to Scott Warren-Tisch and him giving the “how you doin’” nod. She turns to the camera and smirks.
KARYN: …other places?
Cut to KTW teaching some fitness class.
KARYN (VO): If not, then you need the K2 Circut Training program right now! With the help of doctors and scientists, I have developed the perfect training regimen that gets results FAST!
Cut to a set of utterly unconvincing before & after pics.
KARYN (VO): Don’t believe me, just look at these results. If you’re too fat, K2 will help you lose. If you’re too skinny, K2 will give you those gains!
Cut to KTW standing in an empty ring in an empty arena.
KARYN: Just look at me. Yes, I may look nearly perfect, but I need to gain ten pounds! Ten Pounds of GOLD!
Cut to a black and white montage of QCW women’s champ Summer Rose botching spots and taking bumps in the ring.
KARYN: Two weeks from now?, I’ll be gaining those ten pounds, and helping Summer Rose lose that extra weight around her core… well, some of it anyway.
Back to Karyn in a living room straight out of Architectural Digest.
KARYN: So if you want to show Summer who’s boss, go to the website on your screen! Use the promo code ANDNEW for 50% off your first three months!
But much like Summer’s reign as Champion, this offer won’t last long.
So ACT NOW! And be a winner like me!
HOUR TWO
“The following contest is scheduled for one fall (ONE FALL!) with a fifteen minute time limit for the belt to change hands, and it is for the QCW WORLD TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP!”
Fire up “Unscripted Violence” and the fans welcomed Mason back to Arena Quarantina as if he had come back from the dead, gotten out of jail, and brought a cheese tray with him. Not waiting to start the match, Nazir slid out to the floor and they fought each other hammer and tong for several minutes - as in their Christmas Eve rematch, there was five minutes of brawling around and in the ring before the bell even rang. Once the bell started, they went at it in an instant classic. With rivals this long, it’s about countering counters at this point: Savage caught a leg lariat and powerbombed Naz for a nearfall. Nazir countered a Soul Crusher attempt with a vicious sunset bomb for 2.8. Savage slipped a Hamrin Valley Driver attempt with a rewind rana and went up top (maybe for a senton bomb?); when Naz put his knees up, Savage changed in midair to a flying elbowdrop that runs in the family for 2.9. Naz slipped another try at the Soul Crusher to Stun Gun Mason into the top turnbuckle, then ran diagonally from corner to corner before hitting a Hamrin Valley Driver into the opposite side buckles; Savage got his feet on the ropes at the death and I’ve never seen so many happy Surrender Cobras in my life. Yet moments after that and the crowd’s “This is awesome!’ chants, the match ended as Mirror Mirror skulked down to ringside – and popped Savage in the head with the microphone. That’s a no-no. ***
| • “the One Man Jihad” Nazir el-Fadal ddq. Mason “Razorblade” Savage to retain the QCW WORLD TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP (5) • |
Post-Match: Mirror hisses into their dented mic as they make their way to the back:
“Congratulations, King of the Midcard! You’ve finally gotten that win over Razor that you’ve been so thirsty for! Nobody can doubt your “Real World’s Champion” claims in the YouTube comments now, can they?”
STARR: Do these two get paid by the word? Does this arena have a mute button? Production truck, do your damn job and cut to commercial!
“Lord knows I couldn’t cut into your precious promo time to respond to your… something something B-plus player screed, but I was owed a rebuttal, so here we are. And since your time in the ring takes second fiddle to your time on the mic, this seems more polite somehow. So if I have to start going up against tougher opponents to get a shot at “your preeeeecioussss”, so be it. Now go make sockpuppets accounts on Reddit to convince r/squaredcircle that you are the best worker in QCW (makes shoo-ing motion). “ I’ve seen some online rumors that Mirror is going to make sure Naz gets to 10 just so they can fuck up their cash-in and can’t decide if that’s pure lunacy that’ll never happen or absolute brilliance to root for.
After the commercials, we went backstage and if you think Nazir el-Fadal was a happy man, I have some beachfront property in Omaha you might want a gander at. He stormed into Lovetown looking irate, then made a beeline for the Tiki God - only to lift Al’s head, see he was passed out drunk and let it fall back to the table. Nazir turned around, yelling out for Mirror, when he heard a voice say “I think I saw them over there!” Nazir turned around and Benjamin Valentino pied him right in the face to the cackles of everyone in attendance. Naz stood there fuming for a few seconds before hissing he was going to burn this place down while people were still in it someday because of things like this. Jupiter Jones walked over and took a selfie with his longtime rival while Naz was too furious to move, happily noting that Lucius had been teaching him about social media for his new year’s resolution. “Hashtag content!” Naz was so shellshocked he did a silent sad Hulk walk out of the room.
| • “the Fury” Jim Jaspers d. Party Animal • | Of note, Party Animal lived up to his name in Lovetown, while his opponent tonight was nowhere to be seen. It quickly became evident that a sober Jaspers was going to wrestle circles around a drunken Animal, so Jaspers had a little more fun than usual and showed off some World of Sport influence. It played into the ending as he pulled out a Lady of the Lake (seriously) and waved at Party Animal, who got too close and then found themselves pulled into a nasty-looking cobra clutch/crossface hybrid that sealed the deal for Jaspers, who after rendering PA unconscious and getting his hand raised walked over to the camera and said “Oi, Nazzie! How’s that for a slice of fried gold!” **
| • The Angel Twins & the Forbidden Book Club (Agrippa/LaVey) d. Hell On Wheels and Science Fiction Double Feature • | The biggest women’s tag match in Ruckus’ short history featured all the semifinalists in the Women’s World Tag title tournament ahead of the semifinal matches to come over the next two weeks. So tense was a good way to describe everything with both makeshift teams’ attitudes towards their possible future opponents. Match went mostly for the black hats even after Spare & Crowley got sent to the back, culminating in the Angel Twins doubly blind tagging in to put away Jane Doe with Hands to God. ** ½
After the match, the Angel Sisters stood on the buckles and outstretched their arms in a Cornellian fashion, then you could see the Club exchange glances behind them. As the Club went to swarm, the lights got blindingly white and baptized the ring – flickered twice – and the Club were left in the ring alone.
| • Lolo Vuitton ddq. The Red Queen • | This wasn’t even really a match, like a five minute fight that had 45 seconds of in-ring competition. Lolo jumped the former Dorothy at the bell and was trying to choke her out in the corner, then shoved the referee when she wouldn’t break at 5. After arguing the count, Dorothy spun her around and choked her, then wouldn’t break at 5 and shoved the ref, who threw it out while they threw hands, Lolo got the upper hand and rolled out to grab a steel chair, but before she could do any lasting damage with it Wendy and Bella came out to make the save for their monarch, causing the former #1c to bail. Fun spectacle, DUD “match”.
This Week In QCW History: back to “Cowboy” Jack Powers winning the QCW Title in ‘83
Next week’s hype today with Vandeblanche: another defense of the TV title, the former champs Mas Histeria going for the tag belts again against the College Park Family, and the first semifinal match of the Women’s Tag Title tournament but then he was getting word that Enya Face was in the back, just in time to receive Mayhem to a gigantic and gigantically mixed reaction. He said he missed his stomping grounds no matter what people said, and he was set to DEFEND the World Championship because at the end of the day, he was all about two words: #AndStill. If Cold As Hell didn’t teach Fade he didn’t belong in the main event, then The Champ will. Enya turned white as the Immortals skulked into frame, Einherjar saying "Champ." in a fashion that suggested he was looking for an excuse. Mayhem said if they were looking to fight tonight, his dance card was full. But if the new guys wanted to fight The Champ in the future, he didn't get to be World Champion by going in reverse. The staredown continued for a few beats until "Wish" hit to a seismic (and 2:1 positive) reaction. Enya waved at the Immortals after he left; they opted for polite nods.
The Champ ultimately did, but he honestly spent most of this match getting his ass kicked. Wearing a positively shocking amount of rib tape against a former Gold Gloves honoree like Fade was obviously going to set him off, and Mayhem spent chunks of the match getting bullied in the corner and his ribs worked over as well. Fade was absolutely dominant and it looked like he was going to win the belt, but he missed a Decision and went knee first into the corner, and Mayhem schoolboyed him for about 3.1 seconds. I guess he’s a secret Raiders fan. **
| • Mayhem [c] d. “These Hands” Roy Fade to retain the QCW WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP • |
Fade argued the count but then punched out the ref, which I haven’t seen in QCW in months if ever. Fade got spun around and then drilled right between the eyes with the World Championship, and Mayhem looked down at Fade and talked smack before holding his ribs with one hand then his belt with the other. As the champ was bathing in the glow of that pop, “Unscripted Violence” came on over the PA to cause a bigger one. Mason Savage came out onto the ramp, annnnnnnnddddd….eventually gave a nod. Mayhem gave one back, then looked at him. But was the Razorblade looking at his friend (?)...or the belt? We won’t have any answers for you before V-Day, sorry, but tune in next week as QCW continues to bring the Ruckus…
…whatever happened to predictability? asked a familiar voice after the credit box came up. Bobby Bash wasn’t the milkman, though Il Postino came a little bit closer to being the paperboy on this evening TV ahhh ahhhhhhhhhhh…
Everywhere you look, highlights of the Quarantine Era interspersed with some scenic footage of the Bay Area - because on March 12th, the next QCW PPV will be called Golden Rule.
Every single championship QCW has will be on the line.
And for QCW’s first trip to the West Coast in the 21st century, it needs to be somewhere with a deep wrestling history.
So thanks but no thanks, Oracle: Uncle Scotty Holmes and the rest of the QCW family will see you at the Cow Palace.
As soon as he finishes waxing his car.
SHOOBY DOO BOP BA DA! (This song is playing on a Friday night? WHAT YEAR IS IT??!!!???!)
Next: s1e19 Ruckus
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